


What doesn't kill me

by Anonymous



Series: Toonkind D&D Fics [6]
Category: The First Drafthouse (Toonkind D&D)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Fusion, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Found Family, Friendship, Gen, Guilt, Mind Control Aftermath & Recovery, Moving On, Non-Linear Narrative, Recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-28
Updated: 2020-10-28
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:15:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27242563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: When Tobias hit ground, his knees bruised against concrete.The world spun around him. Darkness rushed past his closed eyelids like water, and his mouth tasted of iron. He was in a small room, the doors bricked up, the walls closing in with every breath he took.He rose to his feet. The roof sank with the motion, and he was forced back to sitting position, joints creaking. His hair was muddy from several different hues and shades.Pink light dripped through the gaps between his fingers. Tobias was alone.(Or: the one where Tobias undergoes a terrible no good fusion, and the aftermath)
Relationships: Tobias O Chrowelle/Primrose Poodle (implied)
Series: Toonkind D&D Fics [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1989043
Kudos: 3
Collections: Anonymous





	What doesn't kill me

When Tobias hit ground, his knees bruised against concrete. 

The world spun around him. Darkness rushed past his closed eyelids like water, and his mouth tasted of iron. He was in a small room, the doors bricked up, the walls closing in with every breath he took. 

He rose to his feet. The roof sank with the motion, and he was forced back to sitting position, joints creaking. His hair was muddy from several different hues and shades.

Pink light dripped through the gaps between his fingers. Tobias was alone. 

“No, no- let me-“

* * *

“-go!” 

Primrose’s arm was a warm weight wrapped around his chest, and Tobias squealed as she pinned him to her. He could practically hear The Engineer’s smile behind their hand. “Primrose!” He pleaded, but his struggling was useless.

“Toby, you have to take a break! Don’t make me use magic on you!” He stopped struggling at that, hanging limply as his eyes turned a defeated shade of green. Primrose huffed. “There! Was that so hard?”

“I’m fine though...” he protested weakly against the crook of her neck, even as his eyes began to shutter. The Engineer huffed somewhere in the distance, all smoke and rough syllables. Primrose smelled like flowers and something fancy he couldn’t name.

“You will be when you sleep.” He felt her shake her head. Pink fur rose through the gaps between his fingers. He should feel scared- but he didn’t. It was a different shade, a different color, a different texture entirely.

Around him was white noise, the sound of people going about their jobs. Shoulder high glass windows rose above them all, portions of the blue sky peeking in.

“Go to sleep lad.” The Engineer said. Tobias felt one hand thread through his hair, and sighed. “It’s fer your own-“

* * *

“-good.”

Mr Happiness smiled. It wasn’t a very nice smile. It was midnight- they held a glittering emotion, letting it pool in their cupped hands like colored water. Another one taken.

(Not taken, stolen; torn out unwillingly and without consent, taking the shade of blood as it stained their hands. It screamed, and screamed, and _screamed,_ and _please,_ make it _stop,_ _don’t do this-)_

( _ Doesn’t it taste good though,  _ they had sobbed out during one of their moments of greater control, when they knew what they were doing was wrong but struggled to care. They never knew Love tasted like their favourite dessert. They didn’t think they could ever look at a Charlotte aux fraises again.)

Tobias was falling. He was falling, or he had fallen. He was grounded. He stood in a room with bricked windows and doors and screamed at the bottled emotions that appeared to box him in further, and the shadow stretching out under his feet had neon pink eyes. His knuckles were painted grayish-blue from when he had been hammering against the walls. 

But Tobias was also Mr Happiness, and he could feel every single extra limb and the bowtie tickling the underside of his chin, the stiff collar that brushed against his neck.

The dozens (hundreds maybe) of bottles that dug against his hip, a heavy weight that made it feel like he couldn’t breathe. The belt they were attached to that chafed his thigh raw.

Mr Happiness laughed. It was a fluttery little thing, almost fragile with how soft it was. But it dug under Tobias’s skin better than any knife ever could. “Come on now.” He cooed. “You’re really just being-“

* * *

“-dramatic.”

Static played in Tobias’s ears. He shook. “I’m not.”

The toon in front of him shrugged. Tobias didn’t really remember her- but she was familiar, the same way the slight ache in his thigh was familiar. She looked at him through hooded eyes that felt like it was stripping him bare.

“It wasn’t your fault.” She repeated patiently. He dug his fingers into his sleeve and tried to breathe. “It’s as easy as that. You didn’t want to do it.”

His eyes went to her hand, the gold band that used to be on her finger absent. He knew the cause. Strawberries bloomed in his throat, the taste acid sweet on his tongue.

“It’s not that easy.” Tobias choked out. It felt a little like he was drowning. “Just because I didn’t want to do it- That’s not how it works.”

She just kept looking at him with dark eyes under even darker bangs. If she had screamed at him, if she had yelled, or had slapped him, he would have understood. This though? This gentle understanding? He didn’t know how to cope with it, and he pulled at the collar of his shirt, shaken.

“I’m not angry at you.” She said again. She held her hand out in a pacifying gesture. Tobias still flinched. “Even back then, I think. I always felt like there was something off.”

“Y-You  _ were  _ angry.” He was sure of it, even as the strawberries in his throat turnt bitter and tangy with remembered rage. “I remember it.”

He hoped she had been angry. Furious even. He hoped she had hated him just as much as he deserved- spat curses into a pillow at the very thought of him. He hoped he hadn’t taken even that from her with everything else, when he had left.

She cocked her head. Sighed. “I forgive-“

* * *

“-you!” Tobias didn’t move. The shadow under him sighed, the sound reverberating around the room and through multiple pink strings. “This is a partnership after all, and I really can’t do this without you! So I’ll forgive your little…  _ rebellion,  _ just this once.”

It hadn’t been much of a rebellion in the end. The toon hadn’t even gotten away, and now he had to sit through Mr Happiness crowing about how good hope tasted, especially once it was dashed, how rare it was to find it these days.

Tobias’s knees were bruised. His wrists were two rings of swollen color, held together by a pair of pink strings. He was finding it harder and harder to hold on, and his little roomate grinned in joy at the sight of it. 

“I really have to thank you for that! After all; hope is hard to come-“

* * *

“-by these days!” The Engineer said. Tobias shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot, pale yellow at the praise, even as The Engineer stood up to pull him into a hug. “Ye did good, laddy. Better than ah even expected!”

It was nothing really. All Tobias did was help. It was the very least he could have done. But the Engineer was so very warm and soft that he found himself sinking into the touch instead of pulling away, fingers curling into the fabric of The Engineer’s shirt.

“T-Thank you sir.” He stuttered. His hair pinwheeled between yellows of various hues. He felt sick, and cold, but almost strong with it- like he’d been dropped into freezing cold water and was rediscovering what it meant to be warm. “I won’t let you down!”

He felt The Engineer smile against his chest, toothed and wide, and for a moment it feels like he could fly.

“I trust-“

* * *

“-you.”

The toon was crying. Tobias didn’t know their name- Mr Happiness never cared to know- only that they were young and desperate and so very alone, sorrow and grief radiating from their very frame. So vulnerable. It had been far too easy to draw them away with gentle words and hands that didn’t directly cause them harm.

“Please don’t go.” They begged, clinging to the fusion. Their eyes were wide and wet, practically falling apart from the weight of their tears. Tobias shook. Mr Happiness stood perfectly still. “You’re so  _ nice,  _ and yo-. You make me feel so great, and you’re the best, and please don’t go, please stay, please-“

(They had called Mr Happiness “dad”, once. Mr Happiness had smiled and had hugged them gently. Mr Happiness had eaten the all consuming joy and giddiness that had come from it, and with every softly uttered  _ dad  _ a little more color stole away from their face.)

(Tobias didn’t remember what color their hair used to be. It might have been burgundy once. Now it was a dull muddy gray.)

“Please stay.” The toon whispered again. They were thirteen and hanging onto all they had left by ten frostbitten fingers, unaware that the very person they were seeking was the one behind their terrible mental state in the first place, or that they only felt good around Mr Happiness because that was the only way they could feel even a hint of their old emotions. 

Mr Happiness smiled down at the child. He patted their head, ruffling the muddy gray hair.

Then he bent down and pried off all ten frostbitten fingers, stoic in the face of the toon child’s cry of surprise and pain. 

Tobias cried, hidden and locked away from the shared body. The child cried, hiccuping under their breath. Mr Happiness kept smiling as he turned to leave.

“Sorry-“

* * *

“-about that.” Primrose murmured awkwardly. Her paws shuffled in place as she wrung her hands. She wouldn’t meet Tobias’s eyes. “I-. I didn’t mean to do that.”

He knew that. When they had been dancing together backstage, neither of them had been thinking of anything. There had been nothing but soft music and giggly whispers and awkward steps.

(If Tobias hadn’t been looking a little too hard at the way Primrose’s eyes shone like stained glass under the light of the moon, the stars reflected in them glittering like ground diamonds- or if he hadn’t been too focused on how it made his knees feel weak- maybe he would have noticed the tell tale buzz, the sparks flying between them caught between fingers and carefree murmurs.)

(If Tobias had been more careful, maybe he would have stopped before they got to fuse, before the all encompassing warmth in his chest expanded and he and Primrose melted into each other in a flash of light.)

(Maybe if he had been less of a coward the fusion wouldn’t have broken down immediately, split apart in a puddle of tears, and he wouldn’t have run away like he did.)

“It’s okay.” He said, trying to believe it. He knew it was unfair to her when she didn't even mean to fuse with him. But now even the pale pink of Primrose’s fur brought a lump to his throat, and his wrists ached from imaginary strings. He tried to say something else, but his throat closed before he could.  _ It wasn’t your fault,  _ he couldn’t say.

Primrose seemed to bristle. He couldn’t tell if it was out of sadness or concern. “It’s not okay! When we fused, you-“ She cut herself off then, fingers twisting the fabric of her sleeves a little helplessly. “I never wanted to make you feel like that. You know that, right..?”

At Tobias’s mildly uncertain silence, Primrose finally met his eyes. “I mean it! I care about-“

* * *

“-you a lot!” His shadow simpered. Pink eyes curved in pleasure. “Why, there really is no reason at all for you to act this way!”

“Really?” Tobias asked wearily. The last toon to have fallen to Mr Happiness’s wiles had wasted away in bed, still believing to the very end in their friend. He didn’t think he could ever stop feeling the heat from their dying hand in theirs. At least he had been able to wrest control nearer the end. Not soon enough to save them- but enough that the grief at least wasn’t a lie. “You're really going to say that to me?”

It was hard to identify what color he was changing into with how dark the prison he was in was- but for a split second, the glowing red of his hair and eyes split the black right open. His shadow jerked for a second, as if flinching.

Only for a second. But a second still. Tobias felt something in his chest squeeze. 

“Go away.” He said. The shadow was still for a moment before pulling away, the walls pushing closer. His brief reprieve was coming to an end.

“Fine.” Tobias heard, looking everywhere but the shadow. “But I’ll be-“

* * *

“-back.” The baker smiled at Tobias. Their hat tipped forward slightly to hide their eyes. They retreated to the backroom to get what Tobias ordered, and he was left in the bakery alone.

It was a nice place, all things considered- about as warm and inviting as it got. The smell of pastry and sweets wafted through the air, and when Tobias leaned against the counter slightly, he could see the rays of golden light that poured in from the windows and cast sun spots around the room. Brightly colored fruit tarts were clustered together under the cool glass of the display case, and he couldn’t entirely stop himself from drooling over them.

Just a year ago, he wouldn’t have imagined being able to do this, let alone work at Dodo studios. There was zero possibility that he could have ever gotten the chance to take the time to just enjoy a desert. 

Now though, he was free. He breathed in the scent of bread and cake and all in between, and the knot in his chest loosened slightly.

If only he hadn’t looked outside. If only he hadn’t seen a familiar flash of pink on a pair of deadened eyes-

Tobias was falling. He was standing perfectly still, but he had left his body, gone somewhere else entirely, somewhere he couldn’t think or breathe.

Someone was speaking, but he couldn’t quite hear them past the blood rushing in his ears.

“Sir? Sir, are you-“

* * *

“-alright?”

Mr Happiness gave a hollow laugh. Tobias was present for once- but he couldn’t move. His every hand and limb shook from the sheer exertion it demanded from him just to keep in control. He could hear sneering in the back of his mind.  _ You can’t keep this up forever. _

He forced his trembling hands to still long enough to wave off the concerns aimed at him by the passerby. His eyes burned. He still managed to drag himself into an alley, his extra hands trailing behind him like colorful helium balloons. His stomach ached with hunger. He shut his eyes and tried to drown every sensation out, the wrongness of the fusion, the desperate need for food, the taunts weaving its way through his head. He couldn’t stop shaking.

Just a little more, and maybe he could force himself to fall apart. Maybe he’d be Tobias again. Maybe he’d be alone again in his own mind after what felt like years of listening to a second voice.

Cruel laughter rang out inside his head. He felt rather than saw the way his head jerked sharply to the left, his smile growing wider. 

“Oh, but we both know better than that!” His mouth made out the shape of the words, but Tobias somehow kept it from being vocalized. It didn’t change the fear that burnt through their veins. “You will never, ever, be-“

* * *

“-alone.” Primrose murmured, her hands fluttering awkwardly over his shoulders. It was raining, but the both of them were dry- he held an umbrella between his fingers, and watched as the gutters ran colorful with neon reflections. Tobias could see the flashes of pink and melancholy blue from where he and Primrose were sitting.

“You’re a really good friend.” He told her. He didn’t feel like she’d been told that often enough. He was rewarded with her breath hitching the way it often did when she was pleased, a thin veneer of vulnerability. He was struck, suddenly, with the urge to hold her hands between his. 

He took a deep breath. It was a day of miracles, he decided, and he reached for her hands. Primrose startled when he turned to grab it, and he nearly dropped his umbrella in the process- the two of them spent a whole minute fumbling with the handle, and got slightly soaked for their troubles. 

Primrose huffed past the creeping blush on her face, lighting her fur up in red. “Toby! Look, you got my sweater all wet!” She babbled. Drops of water hung suspended from her eyelashes like silver baubles. He could see the faint dimples in her cheek from how hard she was trying not to smile. Her paws were warm and fit perfectly in the empty space between his fingers, and she crowded in closer to escape the rain, as the two of them held the umbrella as high as they could.

When Tobias had been younger, he’d lost his life and autonomy to a cursed puppet with a poisonous grin and even more poisonous words. It had taken him longer than he would ever have wanted to break free. Even longer before the mere sight of pink or the touch of another didn’t send him into hysterics. He’d hurt so many people while helpless- he didn’t think that was something that could be forgiven.

But Primrose pouted at him, and his chest was still warm from the remnants of The Engineer’s hug an hour before. He had a bed waiting for him tonight. He could go to sleep any hour he wanted, or forgo sleeping entirely and walk somewhere, anywhere. He could drink bad coffee and go on hyperactive blenders and have to be dragged to bed by his coworkers. He could bake. He could learn to love the taste of his favourite desert again, and unlearn the associations he had with taste and emotions, and he could love people without hurting them.

Primrose hadn’t pulled away her hands. His umbrella hung unsteadily between them, wobbling precariously. In this moment, dripping and wet and beginning to shiver from the cold, his past never felt further. He felt like he could be bigger than himself, give more than what he could give.

Tobias swallowed. 

“Do you-“ He started. “Want to-“

* * *

“-fuse?” She asked again. Primrose had taken his unexpected request pretty well, all things considered. They were taking shelter at a nearby bus stop, and they watched the street lamps flicker. “Are you sure?”

Tobias kept his breathing steady. He trusted her. “Yeah.” He said, and he meant it- enough that his hair and eyes were bright with anticipation instead of worry. “I’m sure.”

They turned to face each other. The rain dripped down the glass walls of the bus stop, casting rippling shadows over the both of them. “How are we going to do this?”

He didn’t really know. His first fusion hadn’t involved any choice on his part. But the last time they had fused on accident, they had been dancing. Maybe that’d work this time.

It was hard to dance in a tiny bus stop. Impossible even. They were both terrible, and did some odd movements that barely qualified as dancing, and the mirth on both Tobias’s and Primrose’s faces increased with every aborted gesture and step. The dam broke when Primrose began to giggle, and then the two of them were laughing, red faced from the joy of it. Tobias leaned against Primrose and laughed until he was breathless, his happiness stealing the air from his lungs.

They didn’t stop laughing. Not even when soft light shone through the parts of their bodies pressed against each other, not even when the light spilled out onto the street and made the puddles glow. They sat there, arms around themselves, and laughed until they cried, relief and a bone deep giddiness echoing through layered voices. 

They buried their face in their chest and shut their eyes, took a deep breath. They smelled like rain and Tobias and Primrose. They smelled like flowers.

_ Tulip,  _ they thought, and the first word they ever said was their name.

**Author's Note:**

> IM NOT SORRY


End file.
